Sunday, June 21, 2015

Confession of a recovering racist

In church this morning, we joined with Christians all over the world to lament the murders of nine precious brothers and sisters in Charleston, South Carolina.  We prayed together:

We stand with our sisters
We stand with our brothers
We stand with our families
We stand to bear their burdens in Jesus's name

In the wake of such a tragedy, it's easy for me to get on my high horse and rage against the evil of racism, to decry the lack of justice in the world, to insist that something be done.

But as I've thought deeply about the events of these days, I realize that for the most part, any raging I would do is really a cover for the real something that still needs to happen in my own heart.

* * * * *
I came by my racism honestly.

I was born in Memphis, Tennessee in the 1960's.  Memphis was well on the way to being racially integrated before I arrived on the scene, so I didn't know that it was a big deal that Candace, my dark-skinned friend in Miss Haywood's first grade class, would not have been allowed in my classroom just a few years earlier.  I didn't know that Mrs. Bell wouldn't have been allowed to be my second-grade teacher.  I didn't know about the April 1968 shooting at the Lorraine Motel.  I knew that the Safety Patrol at my school conducted riot drills along with fire drills, but I didn't know why.

My parents did know all about those issues, and when the authorities in Memphis decided to further enact school integration by busing students, they joined thousands of others in what's now called "white flight."  We moved out to a neighboring county, well away from the jurisdiction of the Memphis City Schools.

Because, of course, my parents were law-abiding citizens.  Had we stayed in Memphis, they would have complied with the law.  Laws may change a person's behavior, and sometimes that's an important and necessary step.  But they don't change a person's heart.

At heart, we were racists.  I didn't know it at the time, but we were.  So were most of our friends and neighbors.

Don't get me wrong.  I was blessed that my folks were good people.  My family was Christian, and at church we sang about how people of all races were precious in God's sight.  I think we believed that, at least in theory. So far as I know, my parents treated all people well, regardless of race.  I'm grateful for that.

What I've come to realize, though, is that now matter how seemingly benign a form of racism may be, it's dangerous.  Our kind of racism wasn't overt, but it was very much part of our idea of reality.  The thought of one race being superior to another was one of our underlying assumptions.

Here's the thing about underlying assumptions, though.  Once a false notion is accepted as truth, it changes the way we think.  It alters the way we perceive what's happening around us. Almost as though we were wearing glasses of the wrong prescription, we see distorted images--but we don't realize that we're not seeing clearly.  Those distorted images appear to support what we assume to be true, and our false notions are reinforced.

At least that's the way it was for me.  I was one of the lucky ones.  I had my racism challenged and mostly defeated when I was a young adult.  My husband and I lived in a very small town, and I was blessed to have a wonderful obstetrician who was from Africa.  This black man was a caring and competent physician; he delivered two of my three children.  Since then, I've been blessed with friends and colleagues of all different races.  I thank God for this.

But I know my own heart.  Though I work at not allowing racism of any kind to seep back in, it's still much too easy for me to fall into thinking in terms of racial stereotypes.  I know better, but I'm still susceptible.

It is right and good to work for societal change.  I am deeply grateful for the progress in social justice that has been made in this country. One needn't reach too far back into American history to find evidence of terrible, entrenched racism as a societal norm. An intensive study completed by the Equal Justice Initiative found that nearly 4,000 black persons were killed by lynching between 1877 and 1950. 3,959 instances of racial terror, often carried out with little or no punishment to the murderers.  I thank God that things have changed. I am grateful that racial terrorism now takes our breath away, makes us sick. Things are better.  But they aren't good enough. They aren't good enough!

In the face of such as tragedy as occurred this past week in Charleston,  I find myself ranting about injustice, raging against wrongs that need to be righted.  In the end, though, it's pretty easy to rant and rage.  Far harder is it to change my attitude, to root out all the injustice and wrong that is within me. And if I allow traces of racism to lurk in my own heart, what good have I accomplished?

In the middle of thinking about all this, I read these words from Thomas a Kempis, in Chapter 11 of The Imitation of Christ:

"How can he abide long in peace who occupies himself with other men's matters, and with things outside himself, and meanwhile pays little or rare heed to the self within?  Blessed are the single-hearted, for they shall have abundance of peace."

Oh, God.  This is not just my country's problem.  This is my problem.

I applaud those who are working to make things better in our society.  I stand in solidarity with my brothers and sisters of all races. But before I can stand strong, I need to keep bending my knee, repenting of my own foolish notions, and confessing the sin that's present in my own heart.

Dear Lord, forgive me.  And please keep changing my heart.


Heidi Wheeler said...

Hi RIchella! I'm a new Bud, too. I loved this,and especially the following thought stood out for me, "Once a false notion is accepted as truth, it changes the way we think. It alters the way we perceive what's happening around us." Kneeling in solidarity with you, sister.

Decor To Adore said...

Bravo Richella! We are all stronger if we stand together, all races, than if we are divided.

Leslie Harris said...

Richella thank you for writing such an honest post. What a beautiful, courageous heart you have.

Suzanne B said...

We prayed the same prayer this morning, too. But you're right, it is only one small step, though an important one. I, too, need to repent from the heart continually and ask Jesus to forgive me, and to bring his church into honesty and justice and reconciliation. Thanks for posting.

NanaNor's said...

Dear Richella, Thank you for your willingness to share truth with us. I think we all have prejudice of some sort in our hearts. When I was in high school, our school was busing students from a poorer neighborhood. I'm sorry to say, I thought we could all be friends but they literally threatened my life. It had me scared to death. That memory has hung with me. We all need the Grace of the Lord to love others as He loves us all.
Hugs, Noreen

Lauren English said...

Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability here, Richella. The blog-world needs more people willing to stand up and admit both where they've come from and where they are longing to go. Thanks for sharing this!

Debbie@Debbie-Dabble and A Debbie-Dabble Christmas said...

I commend you on this post and on your honesty. Growing up in the north, my parents who would have been 96 years old this year, were very racist because we did not have a Black population where i lived. But when i married and we bought our townhouse by a VA Hospital, the majority of resident physicians there were from different countries ad since they lived in an apartment complex right by us, my house became a League of Nations , so to speak while my boys were growing up! We were exposed to all colors, Religions and Nationalities and it was the best things that could have happened as my sons have no prejudice against anyone! My son Jim's girl friend, our daughter-in-love is half Black and is the most wonderful addition to our family and she is perfect for Jim. We could not be more Thankful to have her in our life.
BUT what needs to happen is that Confederate Flag needs to come down all over the South!!


Richella Parham said...

I completely agree with you, Debbie! The Confederate flag definitely need to come down. The idea that it would be flown above any government building is just shocking to me.

Shelly Wildman said...

Thank you, Richella. This is helpful for me in sorting out some of my own feelings. I am learning that racial issues are very different depending on where you grew up. Not any better or worse, just different. I'm praying for understanding every day.

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