Monday, April 9, 2012

In the dark of the night

After an Easter Sunday of unparalleled beauty, today is a gorgeous day in North Carolina. I had special plans for this day. I was supposed to walk in a 5K to raise money for the Blake Hubbard Memorial Fund. Blake was the son of one my dearest friends and our precious next-door neighbor who was killed in January; he would have been 15 years old today.

But I spent the night last night thrashing around in bed and hugging the white porcelain of the toilet. This morning I tried to remember the last time I vomited. I think it was May 2007.

So today I am sipping ginger ale and feeling feeble.

And I am wondering if anyone else struggles in the nighttime.

Yesterday I was capable woman. At 1:30 this morning, I was pitiful. My bathrooms were not clean. My dishes were not done. My laundry was not folded. My desktop was not neat. On top of that, I was a bad wife. I was a terrible mother. I was a horrible friend. I was an awful blogger. Could I be more of a loser? I don't think so.

There's something about being sick in the middle of the night that turns me into a mess. So today, in addition to being weak from the stomach bug, I need to regain my hold on reality. But those middle-of-the-night fears persist a bit. Maybe I am a bad wife, a terrible mother, a horrible friend, an awful blogger. Maybe I am a loser.

Ugh. Does this happen to anyone else?

29 comments:

Susie said...

Honey, you are not a loser...you are just sick. Take a little time for yourself. Get well. All those nasty chores will still be there. Unless your family pitches in to help.:):) Smiles, Susie(She Junks)

Jenn @ One Thrifty Chick said...

I hate to say this is a funny, post, but I find it funny, because I too got so sick last night. I thought for sure it was food poisoning, but after talking to others, this bug seems to be going around.

I am with you 100% on this subject matter. I hope you feel better very soon!

Ange said...

Sorry you are not feeling well, praying for a quick recovery! I sometimes get "attacked" in the middle of the night with worries like yours and I need to remind myself God saw me fit to bless me with a husband and children, I am not a loser and neither are you. We are not perfect but we know the one who is and you are doing a great job, I am sure of it! Hang in there!

NanaDiana said...

I think we all have days where we feel totally inadequate. Deep breath...deep breath...deep breath.

I think sometimes even being in blogland does that to us. We feel like we certainly can't live up to Jane Doe who does it all, has it all, knows it all, never has a hair out of place, or a messy room, or a crabby kid, or, Lord help us...a miserable husband.

We are bombarded with so much unreality that it is hard to know what IS real sometimes. If you dive under the surface of a lot of the people that you think have IT you will find mpst people that are living lives much like yours. You just don't see the REAL parts.

Bless ya- I hope you feel better today- xo Diana

At The Picket Fence said...

Oh my friend!! I tossed and turned all night and couldn't sleep although I thankfully didn't visit the porcelain throne. :-)Nighttime is when I am at my most vulnerable and struggle with all of my doubts and insecurities. Now, this might sound too direct, my friend, but I know you know that that voice in your head is the one who wants you to actually believe those lies instead of the truth. Satan loves nothing more than to take our weak and weary moments and twist them into attacks on our spirit. None of us are perfect and we all fall short, but you are not a loser or a bad wife or a bad mother!!! I will pray that the Spirit of Truth will be ever real to you today and that you will find rest and peace and healing for your body and your heart! :-)
Vanessa

Anonymous said...

I think you need to give yourself some grace! I for one am not particularly nice, witty, clever nor motivated when I am ill.

I know...it shocks me also.

PS I hope you feel better soon. Hugs

Jaybird said...

Blessings to you...give yourself a break and just rest and get well!
You are a victorious person...remember, the tomb is now empty!!!
Annnnnd you will eventually feel wonderful again! :^)

Jaybird said...

Blessings to you...give yourself a break and just rest and get well!
You are a victorious person...remember, the tomb is now empty!!!
Annnnnd you will eventually feel wonderful again! :^)

Dawn said...

the middle of the night is so dark. but you are wrapped up in His light, even when you can't see it. i know you know... but grab on hold of it today, dear friend!! xoxo

Anonymous said...

Lack of sleep & illness -- not a good combo. Praying grace, grace, grace & a good night's rest put all back to rights.

Krystle @ Color Transformed Family said...

I hate that you had a horrible night. There aren't many things worse than getting a stomach bug. But you definitely aren't a loser. Just because we never live up to our own expectations doesn't mean we fall short of other's. Especially our family. Hang in there!

Heather said...

Oh no! I am sorry to hear that you had such a rough night. I am saying a prayer for you right now!

GLENDA CHILDERS said...

Oddly, I am the opposite. In the middle of the night, I have ideas to conquer the world and the feeling that I can do it. In the morning ... not so much. Funny.

Patti said...

Awww... I'm so sorry you're not feeling well!!! Take some time to relax and feel better!!!

Patti

Erin said...

So sorry you're not feeling well, Richella; hopefully it's a 12 hour bug. You weren't alone; my mom and I were both sick last night and my daughter had it today.

Yes, in the dark of night many of my insecurities and anxieties come calling. Sometimes I cannot quiet them easily. And sometimes the self-doubt lingers into the next morning, afternoon and evening, which makes the next night even worse...I often just try to pray the worry away.

Hoping you feel better soon!

Erin

tanya said...

Hi There,

In the dead of the night, when your head hangs over that toilet, we all feel alone and pretty miserable about ourselves. The best part is that it only last so long and you will feel cleansed,purified and refreshed.
Hang in there, you are going to really appreciate tomorrow.

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

Feel better soon! No one feels great about themselves when they're not 100%. I feel like I've messed up at least 15 times a day. ;)

New Every Morning said...

I wish I could hug your sweet neck.
Satan lurks in darkness and sometimes he knows just where to attack (and when). Praying that you will resist his lies and claim victory. You have come to mind several times since Blake's death. I continue to pray for you, your son, and Blake's family as you grieve.

You are such an inspiration to so many, therefore Satan is prowling. I've been in your place before, wrestling in the middle of the night with feelings of failure inadequacies. Hang in there, sweetie. You are a beautiful reflection of GRACE!!!
((hugs))

Erin @ Two Story Cottage said...

Ugh, nothing is more vicious than the stomach bug. I was convinced I didn't catch such things until I was humbled 6 weeks ago with the noravirus. I felt like I was on death's doorstep. And those kind of thoughts are normal in the middle of the night, sick or not.

I always think of you as the perfect mom and I admire your attitude about all of the strife you have faced; however, it is really nice to know that you aren't perfect. :):)

Erica {let why lead} said...

That is so funny (not the sick part, though!!) because I just blogged about that today! (http://tinyurl.com/d5nm2n2) My thoughts tend to spiral out of control late at night, and I think it is exponentially more severe when I am sick (or pregnant!)

Everything you just said you wonder if you are not—you ARE!! Rest up and feel better! (And at the end of this week, go get a pedicure!)

Audrey-eleganteconomies.blogspot.com said...

Dark nights of the soul don't last forever.When it is dark I get afraid, too!Rest in the Lord and receive grace from Him!Many prayers are going up for you and you are loved by many, most importantly, by Jesus. The One that is making constant intercession for you is STANDING right next to Our Father! See! You can NOT lose! So kick that liar of a devil in the teeth and tell him to go back to where he belongs. Blessings to you, My Dear Sister in the Lord!

Talia said...

We all have days like this and when we aren't feeling well, it only compounds the feeling. Please be gentle with yourself. This will pass, the house will get clean again, and those who love us, know we love them in return.

Take care of you!

Heather said...

I hope you are feeling better today!

SheilaG @ Plum Doodles said...

I'm so sorry you are sick and feeling soul sick as well. The enemy is so good at whispering in the night. When I listen to his lies, I am defeated. When I finally realize I need to ask God what HE says about me, He is faithful and merciful to whisper sweet blessings to me. Ask then listen to the One who knows you best and most and loves you eternally. Praying you feel better soon.

Liberty said...

YES! i doubt and sometimes in bright light of day - it's just the enemy hitting you when you're weak.
Blessings and prayers for a swift recovery...
hugs!

Shelly W. said...

I don't know how I missed this post, but oh boy can I relate. Yes, those middle-of-the night doubts can be horrible, but you know where they come from, so put them out of your mind and move on. I'm so sorry you've been sick! Hope you feel better today.

Vivienne @ the V Spot said...

Cheese and Rice! Are you better now? That is terrible! There's nothing worse than throwing up. :( I hope you're better. (FYI... you're fabulous, no matter what!)

martha said...

The enemy attacks when we are weak. Play some worship music, lay your Bible open to an encouraging text. Claim so of the Biblical truths you have memorized, and pamper your physical body.

You are a blessing!

martha said...

The enemy attacks when we are weak. Play some worship music, lay your Bible open to an encouraging text. Claim so of the Biblical truths you have memorized, and pamper your physical body.

You are a blessing!

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